I must say that sitting here blogging is the only reliable venting source I have at the moment. I have prayed constantly that God will place someone in my life that I can confide in and will not have room in their heart for betrayal. I try to remind myself that God is my reliable source; He will NEVER betray me. He is so much greater than any problem I have or am put up against.
After 2 months of not being able to have contact with my family, the emotional rollercoaster has finally sent me on the edge.
It seems no matter how hard I study the Bible, or how constantly I pray begging my Father to protect my heart; the feelings of discouragement seem to only grow stronger.
Finally, yesterday was my first chance to see my mom, and I was scared; but I sat there for three hours talking with her, praying silently for strength to look her in the eyes evey word she spoke, words I didn't want to hear.
I thought that after all this time I would be able hold a part of this 13 year relationship we had forged, but that is not what she wanted. I asked her what is was she wanted and she wants us to go seperate ways, for me to just say goodbye to her and the family...MY family. For her I would do that, but could I?
When she got up to leave, she asked me for the house key back. It was the one thing I was holding the closest and tightest in my sweater pocket. It was no longer a key to a home, but just a house. I didn't expect anything more, and I had no right to.
I've never really been one to express my emotions, but at that moment anyone could see me struggle with tears that I had held back for the hardest three hours. I said nothing to the lady that drove me back to my friends house. I didn't want to talk, and still don't. I said my last words to my mom...no, she is now Vivian to me. Thats where the words belonged.
Father hold me close in this time, I place all my trust in you knowing that you will make it all work out for the better. Help me overcome my fears and self doubt. Allow these situations to strengthen our relationship, don't let me stray away from your love. Although it may seem like I have lost the most important thing, I really haven't because I will always have you. Help me see that.
I know Satan wants me to give up, to push you away now that my family has been his "successful" target. I will not let him win Father, no matter how much it hurts, I find salvation in you. You are and always will be my family. My parents had made a decision out of fear. I will not divulge their secret for revenge, I will love them as you love me.
Gabrielle
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Save This Dance
You've stood patiently waiting for me to take Your hand,
waiting for our first dance.
"I don't know the steps" I'd say.
I was afraid of my mistakes,
I was afraid of my mistakes,
but YOU have taken MY hand and have led me.
I may give up at times, or feel discouraged,
but You remain right here, waiting.
Lead me LORD, teach me.
Twirl me around Your kingdom.
Lead me LORD, teach me.
Twirl me around Your kingdom.
I am Your daughter.
I am Your princess.
Psalm 32:8 “And I will instruct thee and teach thee the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye.”
I am Your princess.
Psalm 32:8 “And I will instruct thee and teach thee the way which thou shalt go; I will guide thee with mine eye.”
The Lie Is Of The Truth
So how do I walk in triumph since I am surrounded in a world that’s lost its way? Here are three simple statements I will I have felt in my heart and will leave with you:
1) Renew your commitment to the word of God, don’t let the sun shine on any day without spending some time on your own reading the scriptures.
2) Stand firm in your convictions. Speak your mind, tell the truth, stand up and be heard.
3) Stay focused on Christ. Let your mind dwell on Christ, think about him daily, ask yourself, “What would my savior do if he were right here in this circumstance. Examine his life, live in his methods; rest in him, there is no way to God apart from him.
Broad is the gate that leads to deception, narrow is the gate that leads to eternal life. I can't promise you will have all your prayers answered, but what I can promise is that you will have a God that will never leave you, never abandon you, and never deceive you.
Last week I was told a story and it hasn't left me: There was a doctor who was taking care of a young woman that had a serious medical condition. One night he quietly asked her if he could pray for her and she said "yes as long as it isn't in the name of Christ." So the doctor said he wished her well and he didn't pray. He prays through Christ to God.
Someone who was close to me had said this: "If we need forgiveness we should simply grant it to ourselves, we have broken the commands of no personal God since there is no personal God to offend. There is no God whose forgiveness we must seek"... Open your hearts as I say this, the craze of self satisfaction by self knowledge is all around us. Watch out for it. Don't be sucked in by that. You have him, you have faith.
"The safe guard of God himself is what to rely on, the Holy spirit that teaches you." This is the promise that He himself made to us. Eternal life?
1John 5:11-12 "And this is the testimony; God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.12He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."
Well that’s pretty narrow...why is it narrow? I believe it’s because it is RIGHT. This is the promise:
1John 2:24-25 "See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father.25 And this is what he promised us-even eternal life."
He himself made eternal life. No one has ever done that. Rely on what the Spirit of God teaches you.
My evening Bible studies and the attempts to have a Sabbath (which is hard with school and work) are bringing me closer in my relationship with Christ. As I get to know him more, I get to know my Father more. He has become my everything, and he is what I have.
Always and all prayers,
Gabby
1) Renew your commitment to the word of God, don’t let the sun shine on any day without spending some time on your own reading the scriptures.
2) Stand firm in your convictions. Speak your mind, tell the truth, stand up and be heard.
3) Stay focused on Christ. Let your mind dwell on Christ, think about him daily, ask yourself, “What would my savior do if he were right here in this circumstance. Examine his life, live in his methods; rest in him, there is no way to God apart from him.
Broad is the gate that leads to deception, narrow is the gate that leads to eternal life. I can't promise you will have all your prayers answered, but what I can promise is that you will have a God that will never leave you, never abandon you, and never deceive you.
Last week I was told a story and it hasn't left me: There was a doctor who was taking care of a young woman that had a serious medical condition. One night he quietly asked her if he could pray for her and she said "yes as long as it isn't in the name of Christ." So the doctor said he wished her well and he didn't pray. He prays through Christ to God.
Someone who was close to me had said this: "If we need forgiveness we should simply grant it to ourselves, we have broken the commands of no personal God since there is no personal God to offend. There is no God whose forgiveness we must seek"... Open your hearts as I say this, the craze of self satisfaction by self knowledge is all around us. Watch out for it. Don't be sucked in by that. You have him, you have faith.
"The safe guard of God himself is what to rely on, the Holy spirit that teaches you." This is the promise that He himself made to us. Eternal life?
1John 5:11-12 "And this is the testimony; God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.12He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."
Well that’s pretty narrow...why is it narrow? I believe it’s because it is RIGHT. This is the promise:
1John 2:24-25 "See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father.25 And this is what he promised us-even eternal life."
He himself made eternal life. No one has ever done that. Rely on what the Spirit of God teaches you.
My evening Bible studies and the attempts to have a Sabbath (which is hard with school and work) are bringing me closer in my relationship with Christ. As I get to know him more, I get to know my Father more. He has become my everything, and he is what I have.
Always and all prayers,
Gabby
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
He Holds Us.He Knows.He Listens.
I’ve become aware of doubting and questioning lately and I know that I have been over analyzing the plans God has shown me in prayer.
Last night, I asked God to help me strengthen my faith and help me understand that I just have to be patient.
For forty minutes I spoke to my Father, told him everything that was on my mind and in my heart, knowing that he already knew; that he will always listen.
I asked him to help me understand what it was he had wanted me to do and he had given me an image of myself sitting beside someone, and just listening to them tell their story. I was given this image over and over and each time it was a different person. After a few minutes of this I realized that all these people were the same in some way; some held one bag of possessions; and others sat in the cold in a doorframe, convinced this was the home they will always know; but most of all, they all told me they were alone.
I was confused and I started asking questions like, ‘who are these people?’ and ‘what does this mean?’ or ‘how will I know what to do?’ and there it was, me doubting again, not placing all of my trust in God; questioning the plans he had shown me.
God placed these people in my heart last night and I wish I could say that I am clear now as to what he wants me to do with this but the truth is, I’m not. There is one thing I do know however, and that is I have had the joy of experiencing Gods love, why shouldn’t they?
I also talked about the way Christmas was going to be like, that I was in Gods hands and family.
I asked him to help me understand what it was he had wanted me to do and he had given me an image of myself sitting beside someone, and just listening to them tell their story. I was given this image over and over and each time it was a different person. After a few minutes of this I realized that all these people were the same in some way; some held one bag of possessions; and others sat in the cold in a doorframe, convinced this was the home they will always know; but most of all, they all told me they were alone.
I was confused and I started asking questions like, ‘who are these people?’ and ‘what does this mean?’ or ‘how will I know what to do?’ and there it was, me doubting again, not placing all of my trust in God; questioning the plans he had shown me.
God placed these people in my heart last night and I wish I could say that I am clear now as to what he wants me to do with this but the truth is, I’m not. There is one thing I do know however, and that is I have had the joy of experiencing Gods love, why shouldn’t they?
I also talked about the way Christmas was going to be like, that I was in Gods hands and family.
Family was something I guess I took advantage of, that I knew no matter what, they were there. Everyday you come home either from school, work, outings, or just come out of your bedroom from playing video games all day…but as you can see, we probably all take advantage sometimes of all these little moments that we rely on our family to just be there, in which we should.
I have nowhere really to spend Christmas, so the one thing that came to mind was that I should just thank God for all the opportunities and all the guideance he has given me throughout these past few months. Sure, Christmas is going to be hard, and God has prepared my heart for it, and I know that this is only going to strengthen my relationship with him and Christ.
Joshua 1:9 "I command you-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
Look at your families, don't let times come when getting away is all you can think of; or let simple things get between you. They are gifts. Hold them as Christ holds me.
I don't know what is going to happen, and I know I'm not supposed to.
I just trust that he will never steer me wrong and I have now left all of this in his hands.
"God is reliable and will NEVER disappoint."
Gabby <3
"God is reliable and will NEVER disappoint."
Gabby <3
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Belong
Lately, I have found myself picking people to pieces to find out if they are trustworthy, or people I could open up to. I’ve had a verse of a song (Barlowgirl: I Need You To Love Me) in my head for days, but it’s a huge reminder to me for the things we ALL do.
The lines “I have wasted so much time; Pushing You away from me; I just never saw how You could cherish me; ‘Cause You’re a God who has all things; And still You want me.”
God is an artist; we are all living masterpieces. He has everything; He is errorless. So why would he want us? Why does He yearn for our love, relationship, and obedience? I was pondering this last night and I remembered something someone had told me; “we are all worthy of Gods love through Jesus Christ.” We have no reason to question.
Psalm 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So I prayed to God asking for Him to help me see the time I had wasted hoping I would find any other form of comfort and forgiveness. We are all blind to what is right in front of us.
For so long I was, but I’m finding day after day that the comfort I had been looking for was holding my hand the whole time.
This week was Adoption Week and it was hard listening to it on the radio, seeing as I kept thinking about how I didn’t really have a family now; that all the things I took for granted are what I now wanted most.
Then one of the speakers said “we are all part of Gods family” and those words comforted me as though they were coming from God Himself. Like “this is your family and always will be.” I felt strength, and I knew that no matter the situation or the many times I feel I’m lost, I BELONG.
We all belong.
Gabrielle <3>
The lines “I have wasted so much time; Pushing You away from me; I just never saw how You could cherish me; ‘Cause You’re a God who has all things; And still You want me.”
God is an artist; we are all living masterpieces. He has everything; He is errorless. So why would he want us? Why does He yearn for our love, relationship, and obedience? I was pondering this last night and I remembered something someone had told me; “we are all worthy of Gods love through Jesus Christ.” We have no reason to question.
Psalm 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So I prayed to God asking for Him to help me see the time I had wasted hoping I would find any other form of comfort and forgiveness. We are all blind to what is right in front of us.
For so long I was, but I’m finding day after day that the comfort I had been looking for was holding my hand the whole time.
This week was Adoption Week and it was hard listening to it on the radio, seeing as I kept thinking about how I didn’t really have a family now; that all the things I took for granted are what I now wanted most.
Then one of the speakers said “we are all part of Gods family” and those words comforted me as though they were coming from God Himself. Like “this is your family and always will be.” I felt strength, and I knew that no matter the situation or the many times I feel I’m lost, I BELONG.
We all belong.
Gabrielle <3>
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)