Hold vs. Let Go

I must say that sitting here blogging is the only reliable venting source I have at the moment. I have prayed constantly that God will place someone in my life that I can confide in and will not have room in their heart for betrayal. I try to remind myself that God is my reliable source; He will NEVER betray me. He is so much greater than any problem I have or am put up against.

After 2 months of not being able to have contact with my family, the emotional rollercoaster has finally sent me on the edge.
It seems no matter how hard I study the Bible, or how constantly I pray begging my Father to protect my heart; the feelings of discouragement seem to only grow stronger.

Finally, yesterday was my first chance to see my mom, and I was scared; but I sat there for three hours talking with her, praying silently for strength to look her in the eyes evey word she spoke, words I didn't want to hear.
I thought that after all this time I would be able hold a part of this 13 year relationship we had forged, but that is not what she wanted. I asked her what is was she wanted and she wants us to go seperate ways, for me to just say goodbye to her and the family...MY family. For her I would do that, but could I?

When she got up to leave, she asked me for the house key back. It was the one thing I was holding the closest and tightest in my sweater pocket. It was no longer a key to a home, but just a house. I didn't expect anything more, and I had no right to.
I've never really been one to express my emotions, but at that moment anyone could see me struggle with tears that I had held back for the hardest three hours. I said nothing to the lady that drove me back to my friends house. I didn't want to talk, and still don't. I said my last words to my mom...no, she is now Vivian to me. Thats where the words belonged.


Father hold me close in this time, I place all my trust in you knowing that you will make it all work out for the better. Help me overcome my fears and self doubt. Allow these situations to strengthen our relationship, don't let me stray away from your love. Although it may seem like I have lost the most important thing, I really haven't because I will always have you. Help me see that.
I know Satan wants me to give up, to push you away now that my family has been his "successful" target. I will not let him win Father, no matter how much it hurts, I find salvation in you. You are and always will be my family. My parents had made a decision out of fear. I will not divulge their secret for revenge, I will love them as you love me.


Gabrielle