T.S.

I'm sitting here, finding it very hard to type because all these words are blurring together, and the paper I wrote this on in the privacy of my room has become soggy from the pointless tears. I've messed up again, and not even prayers can wash over it. You asked God to meet me face to face in the mirror, but as I look in the mirror across the room, I find how useless it was for me to hope.

If you are reading this, and I hope deep down you are, please forgive me. You are the only thing that's familiar to me now in a life that has become a new stranger. I placed what mattered most to me on the line, hoping just for one day, I could feel that safety and warmth I had, or thought and hoped I did. Back at my other house, your school was a meeting place for a friend and me once, remember I called, and when she canceled on me and I was already there, I decided to just sit in the field for a bit. I found that when I was just sitting there, everything was calm and I felt comfort for the first time in a while.
I came back there often, even though it was a 2 1/2 hour bike ride there, just to sit on the field overlooking the marshy area. I would sit there knowing for maybe just 20 minutes, I was safe, just me and God. I would never expect to see you, I would never allow myself to set my heart on it.

I never went in the building until a few days ago. I wanted to know what it felt like to be surrounded by people of such strong faith; I wanted to know what it felt like to be in the center of "belong."

But now it seems I was wrong, I was stupid to give you those flowers when I should have just given them to my foster mom like I had planned. I was just so happy to see you, and when I saw you walking down the hall, I should have just left. But I had prayed over and over for God to let me see you again someday, and I just took it as an answered prayer, which was foolish. It was a mistake to get close to someone once more, and I now pray that God will protect my heart from ever doing so again.

I'm sorry, these were never my intentions.
Good luck with school, use your gift, the voice God had given you to help strengthen the faiths of others.
God Bless,
Gabrielle

"Okay, If You Say So"

Well, as exciting as it sounds, God has fulfilled my prayers and more. I prayed that He would provide me with just something that I could call a family and a place I could call "my house," but He provided me with a little sister, a fun loving mother and father, and a kitchen to call my own. Sure, I am still scared to death at all this new, well, everything. I have a new caregiver, a new school, and I'm finding, a new strength.

Piece by piece, God is putting my life together, with lots of bumps and obstacles it seems. Sometimes I wonder if that certain piece He has in His hand is going to fit right, because it never looks like it will. But with a shrug of the shoulders and a doubtful "okay, if you say so" attitude, my trust in Him is struggling more and more.

As a blessing comes along, an answered prayer, there is another obstacle right after it.
Seaquam, my old school, was a linear(day1/day2) system, so now that I am moving to a semester school system, all the stuff I had done since September is lost, along with my credits for those eight classes.
Sullivan Heights is the new school and their second semester doesn't start until February 1 and if I go into a different school that DOES have a linear system, I am unable to start until third term starts or until the new year starts...sigh.
As much as I leave it up to my Father, I still worry. I am able to maintain some credits from the courses I have A's, but other than that...POOF!!!

As I sit here typing, all the doors I thought I had open are starting to close. Of course I am somewhat happy where I am, but that family piece won't be filled and I know that and have to accept it. When I was with my friend for those two months of, well, procrastination really, I saw what family was like, and I didn't really understand what I was feeling, but now I know: JEALOUSY. I pray to God that He will help me accept the life HE had chosen for me. But the encouragement just really isn't there anymore. Sometimes I feel our relationship is stronger than ever, and others, I feel like this.

I am surrounded by decisions I don't even know how to make, questions I don't know how to answer, and people I wish would stay still for one moment.
I was told that I was a living testimony of God's amazing power, and I hope I can hold on to that. I live to encourage others, and to serve God, and it kills me inside when I find myself doubting for even a second because that is what I tell others not to do.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. He knows my limits, He knows my break point, He knows my weaknesses, but most of all, He knows when to pull me up.

Dear God, help me to remain pure at heart and to resist these impulses led by doubt and self-reliance. Let me be content in the life I've chosen, so that I may serve You always with pure heart and spirit. Help me strengthen our relationship, Father, because it is in you that I find true salvation and belonging.

Gabrielle