interview for a missing person

Hello, my name is Gabrielle... Gabby? No, you must be mistaken. We look alike however.

Last time I saw her was a few months ago, not sure where she's gone off too.

I guess you could say we used to be close, I knew her fairly well; sweet, honest, good morals, not a cold bone or pinch of attitude to be found.

Missing? Hmm, I was wondering where she went off too, thought she might of made it to a top notch school like she always planned to, sure had the grades for it.

She did always talk about going to a Christian school and changing the lives of youths through church groups. It's very strange for her not to say goodbye, thats why I assumed she was still here.

Whats that? Why, you have me confused! Of all people I would know where she is, when she's there, and why she's there. I am offended by these questions you are carelessly asking me!

Where is she now? Umm, I, uh, haven't seen her for a while, so I wouldn't know. Thats the first time I've ever said that, if I don't know where she is, then nobody will. We were "attached at the hip" as they call it, never been seperated since birth.

A photo? umm, yeah, i think I have one....HERE! Right in my wallet...wait...this was a picture of her and I taken last year, but, I seem to be the only one in this photo. I don't understand, I remember her standing here (points to photo)right beside me. She's not there.

Whats that in that bag? Her belongings? (sifts through s few things) HUH?! nothing really, well, actually, its just that she always had her Bible with her, she was always seen with it, even in class on the corner of her desk. And to see it here, along with her cross necklace, why, I never thought she could be seperated from her faith, no matter what. She never took that necklace off, not even for rugby, argued with the coach once. Jesus was everything to her.

Motive? Woah, are you accusing me of having something to do with her disappearance?! Sure, she had it going for her; great grades, a steady job since she was 12, everyone at school knew her as the good girl. She won people over and I never knew how, of course I envied her for it.

Of course, I will ask around, maybe someone has seen Gabby doing something around here.

Yes Constable, my name is Gabrielle, and like I had said at the beginning, Gabby and I look alike, but our hearts are like polar opposites. I don't remember the last time I prayed for someone, Gabby would have prayed every second of her life if she could, always thinking of others. Stressed herself out doing it too, but she loved it.

Thank me? No sir, don't waste your breath, I feel as if it is my fault she left. I want her back though, please help us find her.I'll let you know when I see her in the mirror besides me every time I look at it.

I'm tired of seeing my dark qualities compared to those she had that made me smile when my eyes met hers every morning. Those eyes of postive change and a bright and promising future.

I'm lost without that promise.

Her Savior must be fighting to save her

Creator

I love art, and I find that I am always lingering at every picture because I know that they all hold a glimpse of the artist themselves. Take Francis Bacon for example; freaky stuff, but you can recognize that it’s his art because of his style of painting. No matter who or what he paints, it’s not a painting of just the person, but yet himself as well.

Francis Bacon:Portrait of Pope Innocent


You know how in English, you analyze short stories of novels and the teacher tells you that there is hidden meaning but you think that they are ridiculous because no matter how hard you try, you can’t see any symbolism or secondary meaning and then write really long sentences like this one on a test and hope that you will hit that point the teacher wants you to…eventually? (Breathe).

Like in the novel “Speak”, if you do not understand the symbolism of the trees and the character growth that relates to the changing seasons, you will never get the WHOLE story.


Well, art is the same way, but usually the “words behind the picture” are only known to the artist. We can stare at a portrait someone has drawn and we won’t know the person in the photo, but we know what they look like. Yet, if you ever had the chance to talk with the artist, the creator, and ask him/her to explain it, then the picture unfolds and every brush-stroke and angle makes sense.

God is that artist. God is that creator. We can try to understand everything that he has made, but if we do not know him, then we will never open up the mysteries of his masterpieces? Are we not his art? Do we not have that deeper meaning within ourselves? Those who do not believe in him, is that hidden meaning not still with them? When they reach out a hand to those in need, is that not his creation, is that not the masterpiece he calls love?

When I look at you, I can see it.

Now, search for it.

Gabbs

Unstoppable

I don't even know how to start this entry....the way God has worked in me throughout this week, well, I can't even digest it.
Its like this unexplainable force ripping all the shame, anger, disappointment, stress, and sadness right out of my heart. One moment I was sitting here, writing about how I wished everything was different, and the next, I'm erupting with Gods love, and being.

Someone I know showed me Cornerstone Church sermons and the one they wanted me to look at was Motivating Through Grace, and everything this man was saying fit perfectly with what I should be doing. Sure, I know that being stressed and angry is just not right, but the way he said it made me think, "wow, am I reflecting God's image?"

I thought about it and still am and the coolest, no, most amazing thing is that every night that I pray for God to remove this stress and anger, the next morning I wake up with a smile and a thought of "How will I reflect my Father today? How will I show Grace and love too everyone?"

In the sermon, the man speaking told a story of someone he knew who was always happy ALL THE TIME, and was wanting to be like him; stress free and unconditionally happy.
I thought of that too, I want to be that person that people see and think, "She definitely has something!"

I had tried really hard throughout the week and the rewards are growing more and more frequent. I have prayed that God will place someone in my life that I can show and explain the love he's placed in my heart, in place of all the negativity. My prayer was answered the next day!!! There is this young girl in my socials class who is confused and questioning the existence of God. The one thing that really hit me though was when she turned to me and said, "You always seem so happy and are always smiling. Why?"
All I did was try to control the urge to yell out thank you, and just reached into my bag and took out my Bible. I told her, "This is why"

The whole class we talked about God and I answered every question she had, even though we had a worksheet to do...I didn't even have chance to be worried if I would speak correctly because every word came out freely. I didn't even recognize myself because it couldn't have been me.

I know this is turning out to be longer than I thought, but how can you express this, I don't even know, you have to feel it to understand.
I know I can't automatically make her a follower of Christ, even though that would be amazing!!!!!, but I have to pray for God to work within her heart, only he can do that. I just have to open up my heart to her and everyone else and show the love of the Holy Spirit working within me. My foster parents have even seen a change in me and are thinking of checking out church, WHAT?!?!?!?! I just about fell over when they told me that!!!!
God has used me for things I couldn't even imagine and I hope he will continue to do so.

Let Christ work within you, let him remove everything in your heart until only love remains.
One of my favorite singers of all time, JJ Heller sings it best:

"Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains"

Use this as your prayer, when you only have love left, that is all that remains for you to give <3

Where Are You?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to know your whole family tree? To know who you came from and what part of history you can call your own because of your last name?

Well, I must say I have wanted to know for the longest time, I don't know why, maybe because of the HUGE history buff I am. I know it's silly, but I guess I was searching for reassurance that I had a family history, something rooted and reliable....I know, I know. My entries have been so focused and revolved around family but it seems like this is what God is having me focus on, I don't know why, but even the conversations with people at school are around that topic as well, and I sit there trying to encourage them through it...I sit there trying to show patience and love.

Little bit of a jump, but I have wanted to watch August Rush for the longest time and had finally got to see it a few days ago. The story of how this boy finally finds his family through music just sent me in this long...I mean long...thinking roller coaster of wishes and hopes. Ever since I was young I had wondered why my parents didn't want me. Was it me, I could have changed.
Did they have a choice? Do they ever wonder how I am doing? Do I ever cross their mind at times like they cross mine?

You know, I gave up on hoping that I would see them one day, but the one thing that never gave up on me was this small nagging hope in the back of my mind that someday they could come find me.
They would hug me and say "I've found you, now lets go back and start over."
I used to tell my foster mom(back in the day when I was stubborn) that I didn't believe her when she told me they weren't coming back because they had chosen alcohol and drugs over me. I mean, I was their daughter, why would they leave me for something so empty? As I go through my old Christmas cards and birthday cards from them, does that signature at he bottom "Love Always, Mom and Dad" still exist, or exist at all?

My foster mom would say when we brought it up, "if you were to forgive them and get involved with them again that would be dumb. Did they ever turn around to see you and what they did? They haven't called once on your behalf, so why go to them?"
They are my parents, and I don't know the whole story, and don't want to know until the end is written. I have forgiven them through my prayers and IF it is God’s plan, than we will cross paths. I just wonder how things might have been different if I remained where I was, not much different I bet.

All I can say now is I have developed a forever, loving, grace-filled relationship with the one who will not pass me to someone else; one who will no matter what, give me a chance to retry and accept me for who I am. God knows the desires in my heart, and it is up to him when I am ready for them to be carried out.

Gabberoni

"Are they fighting Again? Gabby, Why are they fighting?"

They used to not fight so much. Well, this is what my little six year old sister Maya told me when they were babbling over another disagreement. I never saw it when I first got here, but as they grow in frequency, I see the frustration in her young eyes when they do.

"Can you at least put the dishes away?"
"No, I am sitting, you can tuck her in!"
"Get me ice"
"Where is my dinner"
"Can you at least spend 10 minutes with Maya for once?"
"Whatever, I'm not talking to you when you are like this."
"Don't raise your voice at her, she's only a kid"
"Don't be such a jerk"
"Just go to the store, or out of here at least"

These are the few of many that I have memorized, and I am sure for Maya too. I look at their example of "love" and feel the space. I don't understand how 15 years has gone by for them. Sure of course I'm used to arguing, but I feel God has placed me in this home to harmonize it somehow, but I feel at a loss.

I have been stretching the boundaries of my heart to try and listen to Gods voice, trying to understand and grasp his purpose. It was only a few days ago when I felt as though his voice was strongest.

Maya and I were in the second living room and they were arguing about how Michael had put eggs in the stir-fry when Vijay can't eat them, and that she was just making it up. Something so small. Over the slamming cupboards, raised voices, and multiple curses of the LORDS name, I took Maya upstairs with me and when we were just sitting there, coloring books untouched, listening. She looked at me, and I felt and saw the same disappointment and questions laying in them that I had seen when I looked in the mirror myself.

"Are they fighting again? Why are they fighting Gabby?"

I knew the question all too well, I asked it to myself all the time at home, but I never knew the answer. I remember clearly that I had to look down because my eyes had started watering when I told her I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.

I got to tuck her in tonight, and as I was leaving, she said I love you, and I could feel this light, honorable weight on my shoulders, as if it was God placing the responsibility of comfort in this child's life temporarily. I wanted to say I Love You back, because I do, but I couldn't and just said goodnight and sweet dreams. I have laid my Heart before the Lord for it to be broken and remade with love, but he has reminded me that it will take some time.

As I am typing this, I can hear the argument from down the hall, but I'm not taking notice to what they are saying, I've heard the same kind of thing for 13 years, there's no difference. Its just like a long, misplayed ballad replaying itself over and over, eventually slurring together to make no sense.
They are nice and I am blessed, but I feel as if I was placed here to settle something, open their eyes to see what is missing.

God gave me a little sister, someone who needed a companion and friend.
A mother, who is tired of coming home to dirty counters, floors, and dishes; and having laundry and dinner to prepare by herself.
A father who places work first.

Oh Merciful Father, show me what it is I have to do; am I even right? I help as much as I can, but how much longer can I do it with the school and work shift loads getting larger? I know I shouldn't, but I have this aching fear that I will fail, that I will let you down. Guide me in this task, so that I can overcome it and make you proud. Help me love. Work in their hearts, Jesus, because I won't be able to do it alone.

Your daughter,
Gabrielle

I Wish I Could

I guess I have been waiting for this day; a day I have not been looking forward too; the day that has been procrastinating its own arrival for 4 months. I knew everything was going to sink in eventually, but when, I didn’t think I needed to care. It’s like a huge invisible freight train that slowly comes up behind you and at the last second, kicks into full speed.

I wish I could answer a phone call with their familiar voices asking me to come back.

I wish I could say “I love you” to my parents and hold them close before bed.

I wish I could see the laughter in my dad’s eyes as we exchange our silent inside jokes whenever we were in trouble.

I wish I could be in the passenger seat, just me and my mom, the silence saying more than words.

I wish I could go back to when I was 4 and you wrapped your arms around me when I asked why I was with you.

I wish I could live to impress you.

I wish I could have told you anything.

I wish I could tell my brother how proud of him I am.

I wish I could let my brother know that he was my best friend.

I wish I could sleep in my bed, knowing we are all under the same roof.

I wish I could stand on the other side of the door of my home, instead of standing on the outside looking in.

I wish I could have been stronger.

I wish I could get the consequences 100x more, just to feel your touch.

I wish God would provide me with his reason.

I wish I could have made you proud.

I wish I could have been the “better” you always wanted me to be.

I wish I could love you all over again.

I wish I could go back.

I wish I could go back.

Father Please.

.

New...

REMEMBER THROUGH THE DISCOURAGEMENT AND TRIAL



NEW YEAR, new school, new house, new family, new chances, new trials, new regrets, new choices, new dreams, new loss, new gains, new jobs, new responsibilities, new opportunities, new strength, new weaknesses, new discouragements, new letdowns, new sorrows, new errors, new acknowledgments, new possibilities,
NEW LIFE.

SAME JESUS.

He is here, He has you tightly grasped in His hand and will never let you go. He died for us,a
love that remains when all seems unfamiliar.

T.S.

I'm sitting here, finding it very hard to type because all these words are blurring together, and the paper I wrote this on in the privacy of my room has become soggy from the pointless tears. I've messed up again, and not even prayers can wash over it. You asked God to meet me face to face in the mirror, but as I look in the mirror across the room, I find how useless it was for me to hope.

If you are reading this, and I hope deep down you are, please forgive me. You are the only thing that's familiar to me now in a life that has become a new stranger. I placed what mattered most to me on the line, hoping just for one day, I could feel that safety and warmth I had, or thought and hoped I did. Back at my other house, your school was a meeting place for a friend and me once, remember I called, and when she canceled on me and I was already there, I decided to just sit in the field for a bit. I found that when I was just sitting there, everything was calm and I felt comfort for the first time in a while.
I came back there often, even though it was a 2 1/2 hour bike ride there, just to sit on the field overlooking the marshy area. I would sit there knowing for maybe just 20 minutes, I was safe, just me and God. I would never expect to see you, I would never allow myself to set my heart on it.

I never went in the building until a few days ago. I wanted to know what it felt like to be surrounded by people of such strong faith; I wanted to know what it felt like to be in the center of "belong."

But now it seems I was wrong, I was stupid to give you those flowers when I should have just given them to my foster mom like I had planned. I was just so happy to see you, and when I saw you walking down the hall, I should have just left. But I had prayed over and over for God to let me see you again someday, and I just took it as an answered prayer, which was foolish. It was a mistake to get close to someone once more, and I now pray that God will protect my heart from ever doing so again.

I'm sorry, these were never my intentions.
Good luck with school, use your gift, the voice God had given you to help strengthen the faiths of others.
God Bless,
Gabrielle

"Okay, If You Say So"

Well, as exciting as it sounds, God has fulfilled my prayers and more. I prayed that He would provide me with just something that I could call a family and a place I could call "my house," but He provided me with a little sister, a fun loving mother and father, and a kitchen to call my own. Sure, I am still scared to death at all this new, well, everything. I have a new caregiver, a new school, and I'm finding, a new strength.

Piece by piece, God is putting my life together, with lots of bumps and obstacles it seems. Sometimes I wonder if that certain piece He has in His hand is going to fit right, because it never looks like it will. But with a shrug of the shoulders and a doubtful "okay, if you say so" attitude, my trust in Him is struggling more and more.

As a blessing comes along, an answered prayer, there is another obstacle right after it.
Seaquam, my old school, was a linear(day1/day2) system, so now that I am moving to a semester school system, all the stuff I had done since September is lost, along with my credits for those eight classes.
Sullivan Heights is the new school and their second semester doesn't start until February 1 and if I go into a different school that DOES have a linear system, I am unable to start until third term starts or until the new year starts...sigh.
As much as I leave it up to my Father, I still worry. I am able to maintain some credits from the courses I have A's, but other than that...POOF!!!

As I sit here typing, all the doors I thought I had open are starting to close. Of course I am somewhat happy where I am, but that family piece won't be filled and I know that and have to accept it. When I was with my friend for those two months of, well, procrastination really, I saw what family was like, and I didn't really understand what I was feeling, but now I know: JEALOUSY. I pray to God that He will help me accept the life HE had chosen for me. But the encouragement just really isn't there anymore. Sometimes I feel our relationship is stronger than ever, and others, I feel like this.

I am surrounded by decisions I don't even know how to make, questions I don't know how to answer, and people I wish would stay still for one moment.
I was told that I was a living testimony of God's amazing power, and I hope I can hold on to that. I live to encourage others, and to serve God, and it kills me inside when I find myself doubting for even a second because that is what I tell others not to do.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. He knows my limits, He knows my break point, He knows my weaknesses, but most of all, He knows when to pull me up.

Dear God, help me to remain pure at heart and to resist these impulses led by doubt and self-reliance. Let me be content in the life I've chosen, so that I may serve You always with pure heart and spirit. Help me strengthen our relationship, Father, because it is in you that I find true salvation and belonging.

Gabrielle