T.S.

I'm sitting here, finding it very hard to type because all these words are blurring together, and the paper I wrote this on in the privacy of my room has become soggy from the pointless tears. I've messed up again, and not even prayers can wash over it. You asked God to meet me face to face in the mirror, but as I look in the mirror across the room, I find how useless it was for me to hope.

If you are reading this, and I hope deep down you are, please forgive me. You are the only thing that's familiar to me now in a life that has become a new stranger. I placed what mattered most to me on the line, hoping just for one day, I could feel that safety and warmth I had, or thought and hoped I did. Back at my other house, your school was a meeting place for a friend and me once, remember I called, and when she canceled on me and I was already there, I decided to just sit in the field for a bit. I found that when I was just sitting there, everything was calm and I felt comfort for the first time in a while.
I came back there often, even though it was a 2 1/2 hour bike ride there, just to sit on the field overlooking the marshy area. I would sit there knowing for maybe just 20 minutes, I was safe, just me and God. I would never expect to see you, I would never allow myself to set my heart on it.

I never went in the building until a few days ago. I wanted to know what it felt like to be surrounded by people of such strong faith; I wanted to know what it felt like to be in the center of "belong."

But now it seems I was wrong, I was stupid to give you those flowers when I should have just given them to my foster mom like I had planned. I was just so happy to see you, and when I saw you walking down the hall, I should have just left. But I had prayed over and over for God to let me see you again someday, and I just took it as an answered prayer, which was foolish. It was a mistake to get close to someone once more, and I now pray that God will protect my heart from ever doing so again.

I'm sorry, these were never my intentions.
Good luck with school, use your gift, the voice God had given you to help strengthen the faiths of others.
God Bless,
Gabrielle