They used to not fight so much. Well, this is what my little six year old sister Maya told me when they were babbling over another disagreement. I never saw it when I first got here, but as they grow in frequency, I see the frustration in her young eyes when they do.
"Can you at least put the dishes away?"
"No, I am sitting, you can tuck her in!"
"Get me ice"
"Where is my dinner"
"Can you at least spend 10 minutes with Maya for once?"
"Whatever, I'm not talking to you when you are like this."
"Don't raise your voice at her, she's only a kid"
"Don't be such a jerk"
"Just go to the store, or out of here at least"
These are the few of many that I have memorized, and I am sure for Maya too. I look at their example of "love" and feel the space. I don't understand how 15 years has gone by for them. Sure of course I'm used to arguing, but I feel God has placed me in this home to harmonize it somehow, but I feel at a loss.
I have been stretching the boundaries of my heart to try and listen to Gods voice, trying to understand and grasp his purpose. It was only a few days ago when I felt as though his voice was strongest.
Maya and I were in the second living room and they were arguing about how Michael had put eggs in the stir-fry when Vijay can't eat them, and that she was just making it up. Something so small. Over the slamming cupboards, raised voices, and multiple curses of the LORDS name, I took Maya upstairs with me and when we were just sitting there, coloring books untouched, listening. She looked at me, and I felt and saw the same disappointment and questions laying in them that I had seen when I looked in the mirror myself.
"Are they fighting again? Why are they fighting Gabby?"
I knew the question all too well, I asked it to myself all the time at home, but I never knew the answer. I remember clearly that I had to look down because my eyes had started watering when I told her I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I got to tuck her in tonight, and as I was leaving, she said I love you, and I could feel this light, honorable weight on my shoulders, as if it was God placing the responsibility of comfort in this child's life temporarily. I wanted to say I Love You back, because I do, but I couldn't and just said goodnight and sweet dreams. I have laid my Heart before the Lord for it to be broken and remade with love, but he has reminded me that it will take some time.
As I am typing this, I can hear the argument from down the hall, but I'm not taking notice to what they are saying, I've heard the same kind of thing for 13 years, there's no difference. Its just like a long, misplayed ballad replaying itself over and over, eventually slurring together to make no sense.
They are nice and I am blessed, but I feel as if I was placed here to settle something, open their eyes to see what is missing.
God gave me a little sister, someone who needed a companion and friend.
A mother, who is tired of coming home to dirty counters, floors, and dishes; and having laundry and dinner to prepare by herself.
A father who places work first.
Oh Merciful Father, show me what it is I have to do; am I even right? I help as much as I can, but how much longer can I do it with the school and work shift loads getting larger? I know I shouldn't, but I have this aching fear that I will fail, that I will let you down. Guide me in this task, so that I can overcome it and make you proud. Help me love. Work in their hearts, Jesus, because I won't be able to do it alone.
Your daughter,
Gabrielle
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