Where Are You?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to know your whole family tree? To know who you came from and what part of history you can call your own because of your last name?

Well, I must say I have wanted to know for the longest time, I don't know why, maybe because of the HUGE history buff I am. I know it's silly, but I guess I was searching for reassurance that I had a family history, something rooted and reliable....I know, I know. My entries have been so focused and revolved around family but it seems like this is what God is having me focus on, I don't know why, but even the conversations with people at school are around that topic as well, and I sit there trying to encourage them through it...I sit there trying to show patience and love.

Little bit of a jump, but I have wanted to watch August Rush for the longest time and had finally got to see it a few days ago. The story of how this boy finally finds his family through music just sent me in this long...I mean long...thinking roller coaster of wishes and hopes. Ever since I was young I had wondered why my parents didn't want me. Was it me, I could have changed.
Did they have a choice? Do they ever wonder how I am doing? Do I ever cross their mind at times like they cross mine?

You know, I gave up on hoping that I would see them one day, but the one thing that never gave up on me was this small nagging hope in the back of my mind that someday they could come find me.
They would hug me and say "I've found you, now lets go back and start over."
I used to tell my foster mom(back in the day when I was stubborn) that I didn't believe her when she told me they weren't coming back because they had chosen alcohol and drugs over me. I mean, I was their daughter, why would they leave me for something so empty? As I go through my old Christmas cards and birthday cards from them, does that signature at he bottom "Love Always, Mom and Dad" still exist, or exist at all?

My foster mom would say when we brought it up, "if you were to forgive them and get involved with them again that would be dumb. Did they ever turn around to see you and what they did? They haven't called once on your behalf, so why go to them?"
They are my parents, and I don't know the whole story, and don't want to know until the end is written. I have forgiven them through my prayers and IF it is God’s plan, than we will cross paths. I just wonder how things might have been different if I remained where I was, not much different I bet.

All I can say now is I have developed a forever, loving, grace-filled relationship with the one who will not pass me to someone else; one who will no matter what, give me a chance to retry and accept me for who I am. God knows the desires in my heart, and it is up to him when I am ready for them to be carried out.

Gabberoni